Small Steps Into the Wild:

For as long as I can remember, being fearless was the goal; to be the kind of person who could live life without hesitation, to have moments others wouldn't dare to experience. I believed fear was something that prevented a person from being great. If I could be fearless, I could be stronger, more confident, more capable, and whole. Fear felt like a weakness, something that held a person back from truly living.

This belief stayed with me for many years until I reached a point where it became clear that fear was actually a companion of mine, something that would walk beside me constantly. If fear was going to walk next to me, then I needed to decide the direction we were going. I discovered that this is what bravery is. This is where my adventure begins.

There are three responses to fear: fight, flight, or freeze. In the beginning, my initial response was to fight, and I was proud of that. My fears didn’t come from dangerous situations, but from ordinary, growing-up fears such as trying out for a soccer team, starting a new school year, or really doing anything outside of my comfort zone.  When something scared me, I fought hard. I would run faster, work harder, and put all of myself into the task at hand.  It made me feel alive.

Then life happened, and the easy fears became more complicated: fear of not being good enough, fear of not being loved, fear of not doing anything of value with my life. My response to fear changed. I stopped fighting and began to freeze. I felt stuck. It was as if there was always something bad just around the corner. I needed to move, but there were bricks in my shoes.

The things I loved the most became the things I was most afraid of. If I couldn’t be successful at what I loved, or at what I thought I was good at, then what would my life turn out to be? I gave up what I loved, I stopped playing sports, and I lost a part of myself. For a time, the fear disappeared. But like any real problem, it found its way back. The hardest part was that I was backed into a corner. I thought I had outrun fear, but it was with me all the time. I was exhausted. I knew I was no longer willing to live frozen.

 I got to work, both emotionally and physically. I took microscopically small steps; anything to move forward. In my search to overcome my fear, I found Bushwise. Becoming a field guide had been a dream of mine since I was a little girl, and finding a place that aligned so perfectly with that dream felt too good to be true. The doubts and fears came rushing in. I put the thought aside and kept focusing on my small steps.

Then I came across a quote by John Shedd: “A ship is safest in harbor, but that is not what ships are built for.” For the first time in a long while, I was frozen, but not with fear. I was frozen with the realization that I could do this.

I needed to muster 30 seconds of bravery to complete the Bushwise application. I filled it out and told no one. With each step that followed, I found I could be a little braver.  Eventually, I told the people who mattered most to me about my journey. I was met with love and support. This support only strengthened my courage.

My fears didn’t disappear; I just began to push back. I allowed myself to be afraid, to feel it, and to honor it. Then, with love for myself, I let it go, because fear no longer served me. The day came to leave for the airport in San Francisco. I woke up frozen. I looked at my mom, convinced I wouldn’t be able to get on the plane and that all the work I had done over the past year would never come to become a reality. I cried and took small steps.

At the security line, I hugged her and kissed her on the cheek. I looked at my biggest supporter and told her I only had a few more seconds of bravery left and that I needed her to push me. She kissed my hand, turned me around, and gave me a light push. 

Today, I am sitting on Mahlahla Campus with three of the most beautiful souls I may ever meet. I have trainers who make space for fear while giving me the courage to move forward. I am confident now that I can do hard things. 

I have never been more afraid, more brave, or happier than I am right now. If I have learned anything after my first month here, it is this: Be afraid and then do it anyway.